atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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