You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
