wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
