After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
