I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
