The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
