But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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