Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
