we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
PANTIES FOUND
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