I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
