Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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