My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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