No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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