I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
