Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
