If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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