my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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