On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
