There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
