I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
