Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
