get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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