Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
