White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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