Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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