i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
