It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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