fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
