life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
