i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
