I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
