I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
