If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
