Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
