If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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