can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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