when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
