take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
