My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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