The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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