I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
