My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
