literally had 100 drinks last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
