Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
