she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
