Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
