I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
