I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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