Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
