Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
