I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
