So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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