Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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