the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
