Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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