I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
