Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
