i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
