I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
