I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i dont even know how to be here
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
