Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
