haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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